April 28, 2006
Dear Editor,
I write to you today about a matter most serious in nature. Perhaps you have
also noticed a series of strange occurrences, which always seem to accompany the
final weeks of classes each semester.
Students seem to take on almost a robotic nature. When asked a question, they
pause several seconds, and then ask that it be repeated. In turn, professors
organize "academic trips" to strange places like Michigan and Kentucky.
I say it's time for a change. It's time we abandon all tendency toward pacifism
to adopt a multiple-faced plan. Violence is the answer!
First, we install punching bags on all available trees. Preferably these would
be located near sidewalks so students or professors walking to and from classes
can let out their anxiety.
Picture it now: students kicking punching bags, trees shaking from the pounding,
professors ducking when the bag swings toward their direction. Milligan will not
be known for its humanities program alone.
Milligan will take holistic learning a step further and before you know it we
will be known across the nation as the school that fosters healthy forms of
stress relief.
Picture the Milligan College brochure. Dozens of students on the commons
kicking, punching and laughing, because, heck, it's only a test anyway.
Perhaps you are like me. You're excited, but before you leap toward a new idea,
you must ask yourself, "Is this really rooted in the Milligan College
tradition?" Violence certainly has its place in the history of Milligan.
During the Revolutionary War, a lady who lived near the school was known as the
Confederate gun powder connection. During World War I, the Students' Army
Training Corp was stationed at Milligan.
In more recent times, it has been rumored that Dr. Dillon and Dr. Farmer got
into a book flinging contest in the FOB. "Ha! So what if that has Ben Franklin's
signature! My "Canterbury Tales" has Chaucer's left thumb print!"
All this is to say, you need not doubt justification of violence through the
Milligan tradition, and should not think yourself any less of a person if you
are the first to install a punching bag. And do not mind if I take to jousting.
In Perfect Sobriety,
Mary Stephens
Senior guest contributor